All that I Am, All That I Ever Was

So the deal is on Monday I begin the exams that will hopefully decide the rest of my life. For 6 and a half years I've been training to be a lawyer and come Monday I begin my Bar Exams which if I pass will make me a full lawyer come January.

Work have given me so much time off to study, but somehow I'm underprepared.

So why this week when I most need to be working my nuts off, am I messing around doing nothing. Why can't I motivate myself??? I need some kind of magic work drug that gives me super concentration and focus. Somehow Red Bull isn't cutting it.

The thing is I know, "pass these exams and you'll never have to do any again". Surely thats motivation enough! But no. I'd even prefer to write on my blog than revise!!

Hope your having a better day than me!!

Feeling this morning.

Maybe talking (to myself on the internet) is a good thing.

My girlfriend is away now till Sunday so its just me and the books. I've really got to do some work, but why is it everything in the world is more appealing than revision?!?!

Been sitting listening to music this morning. Well my old band infact. Casting my mind back to the happy days when we were on the stage, radio and newspapers. Surely we should have pushed on from there. Where did it all go wrong? My mate who also wrote songs is in London trying to "make it". Surely thats what I should have done? But is he living the dream, working in a bar and living on nothing? Or am I living the dream with money, love and everything I can ask for? Whos to say!!!

Its always so difficult to start something new. Its been a while since I've done that so I thought why not. Today this is my something new.

Its been a pretty weird few days.

A little bit about me I guess. I'm a 25 year old man. I live on an Island called the Isle of Man between England and Ireland in the Irish Sea. I'm training to be a lawyer and the rest of my time I spend playing music in the various bands I play in.

My band life is pretty messed up at the minute. I play in 3 different bands. One I joined recently, one I played with for about a year and one for the last 10 years. The problem is the one that I've been in for years is on hold while our drummer is away. Then the other two are falling apart. The one I just joined isn't working and I want to leave. One other person just left and I'm struggling to find the words to get me out. And the other one wasn't working so we split up and 3 of us secretly got back together. Problem is its a small Island and people will find out soon enough.

Apart from music, the other big problem in my life is work. I've got my final law exams coming up and its become clear I've not done enough work. I've been off for 9 weeks and its only a week before the exam I realise I've done next to nothing. I'm spending more time praying for a miracle than revising now. Its my last hope.

Then there is love. Why is it never simple. 18 months I've been with my girlfriend. She's perfect and I love her. But there is a girl who I knew and fancied long before her who is messing with my head. This girl lives in England and once told me she'd never date any one from the Island again because of the distance (previous bad experience). This didn't stop her telling me how much she liked me and messing me up just after I got together with my girlfriend.

Well imagine my suprise when she tells me all about her new bloke who (shock horror) lives on the Isle. I mean come on!!!!

Twice stuff nearly happened until I stopped it and now this. She phones me last Friday (pissed) and tells me she got with him because I was unavailable. Just rubbing it in and telling me she likes me.

How unfair can one person be?!?!?!

Life comes down to this. I'm too young in my mind to settle down. I want to be free yet I'd miss everything I have. I want my cake and to eat it!! Oh well.

I thought it would help writing this but it hasn't so far. Only time will tell I guess.